It’s not everyday that Jesus surprises me. Twice in one day…a miracle. Anybody up to date on their Jesus news knows that he recently appeared on the fur of a cute Tabby cat. He looked just as he did on that shroud, kind of hollow and alien-like. Why exactly did he decide to materialize on a cat, I am not sure. Aren’t cats associated with evil, you know, witches, the devil, and scratched furniture?

Upping the ante, Jesus’ next stop on his world tour was…drum roll, please…a bag of Cheetos. Yes, Jesus went undercover as a cheesy corn snack. The incredibly pious and, no doubt, clever woman who found the Jesus Cheeto aptly named it “Cheesus.”

The lord works in mysterious ways.

To read the Cheesus story: “Cheesus in everywhere”

While reading the news this morning, I came across this very disturbing story about a group of third graders who had plotted to attack their teacher. Surely this couldn’t be true. Now, I didn’t like my third grader teacher either but the worst thing I ever did to her was call her Ms. Burrito behind her back (her name was Ms. Britto). Maybe it was the reading comprehension tests or maybe it was the long division. I don’t know. These kids had a bone to pick with their teacher.

Lately in my house we’ve been discussing children and violence. We saw the head honcho of the Ultimate Fighting Championship on one of the national morning shows praising mixed martial arts and saying that is was fine for young kids to compete in a cage. While I give him credit for comparing the kids in this sport to the kids in Karate or even football, there is just something inherently wrong with watching kids fighting in a cage.

OK, so, humans are violent. I saw the National Geographic special that showed chimps killing other chimps. Apparently it’s natural to kill and and hit things and grunt around angrily. But at the same time, the culture and laws of today say this is not right. You can go to jail for that. The law might even kill you.

The other thing I saw recently on TV was a commercial that showed a mom talking to a chain saw-wielding mutant. She tells him she’s going to have to block him because she doesn’t want the kids to have nightmares. Is there a correlation between kids watching violent things and kids doing violent things. Study after study has proved yes and has proved no. It’s either “Monkey see, monkey do” or “It’s the parent’s responsibility to teach their kids the right way to act.”

I don’t know which is right or wrong. I saw lots of scary movies growing up. And yes, I did have nightmares and I was scared of whatever was lurking under my bed or in my closet. Perhaps had there not been cable at my aunt’s house, I would have been more sheltered and a much better, calmer person (I’m pretty jumpy and scare easily). On the flip side, I know the difference between a movie and real life. Unfortunately, scarier things often happen in real life.

Should kids fight in cages? Maybe these kids are the same kids who get to watch Saw. Heck, I don’t even have kids, so what do I know.

My guess is that these sneaky industrious third graders watched Children of the Corn at a sleepover.

Cops: 3rd-graders aimed to hurt
By RUSS BYNUM, Associated Press Writer

WAYCROSS, Ga. - A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job and assigning children tasks including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward, police said Tuesday.

The plot by as many as nine boys and girls at Center Elementary School in south Georgia was a serious threat, Waycross Police Chief Tony Tanner said.

“We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely,” Tanner said. “We feel like if they weren’t interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don’t know.”

The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said. A prosecutor said they are too young to be charged with a crime under Georgia law.

School officials alerted police Friday after a pupil tipped off a teacher that a girl had brought a weapon to school, Tanner said.

Police seized a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paperweight from the students, who apparently intended to use them against the teacher, Tanner said.

The rest of the article can be found here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080402/ap_on_re_us/children_s_plot

Vampires have been an obsession of mine ever since I read Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire, which eventually led me to eagerly devour every other novel of hers. I am fascinated and allured by the notion of people living forever off the blood of others. I guess for the living, it would be almost impossible to live without relying on others in some way. So in a sense, we all are vampires. Only, I wish we all were sexy and agile and beautiful like the vampires of lore always seem to be.

Whether they are scary, steamy, or action packed, I love vampire movies. Here’s a list of my favorite ones, in no particular order:

1. Bram Stoker’s Dracula – It’s my opinion that Keanu Reeves is an underappreciated actor, and this film is a prime example of that fact. Add Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, and Gary Oldman and you have yourself a great vampire flick.
2. Lost Boys – A classic teenage vampire classic with Keifer Sutherland, Jason Patrick and the two Corey’s.
3. The Hunger – Catherine Deneuve plays an ancient and beautiful vampire who seduces the unknowing Susan Sarandon. The scenes of the two women acting vampirically sexy are very hot.
4. Blade – Wesley Snipe’s Blade is a vampire badass. My favorite scene is the bloodbath rave; the high-energy music and dancing vampires make me wish I had attended such a party.
5. Once Bitten – Jim Carrey and Lauren Hutton. This is totally 80’s and tons of fun. I love the scene where Hutton, the vampire, gets in a dressing room with Carrey and bites the buttons off his shirt.
6. My Best Friend is a Vampire – Robert Sean Leonard. This movie is also 80’s and pure silliness.
7. John Carpenter’s Vampires – An action-packed campy vampire film. Though it’s a bit cheesy, it always manages to make me jump.
8. Interview with the Vampire – I’m hesitant to put this on the list as it really pales in comparison to the novel, but all things considered, it is a pretty good vampire movie. You really can’t go wrong with Brad Pitt in a starring role.
9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer – While I prefer the TV series to the film, I’ve always enjoyed watching this one. It’s nice to see a pretty girl kicking pale vampire butt.
10. 30 Days of Night – The most recent vampire movie I’ve seen and really loved. It is richly dark and disturbing and I was captivated by the seldom-explored concept of vampires roaming 24/7 during the sunless winter of the arctic.

Jaws star Roy Scheider died today. His biggest film holds a very high spot on my list of “Movies that scared the crap out of me.”

I don’t remember when I first saw Jaws. It may have been during Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, or maybe on one of those summer nights when I was allowed to stay up late and watch TV. Whenever it was, the movie still makes my skin crawl. I mean, the shark was big…really big. My extremely imaginative and slightly paranoid kid mind assumed that all sharks must be gigantic and that all the sharks in the ocean were probably lurking in the murky beach water in which I happened to be swimming.

Growing up in Miami, Florida, with a Latina mother whose nickname is “Negra” (Spanish for black woman - and a perfect description given her unrelenting pursuit of a dark tan), meant that I spent a lot of time at the beach. So, I also spent a lot of time worrying about how my legs would make tasty shark food. I would hear the Jaws music as I swam around. The shark, or sharks most likely, would choose me as lunch because I was scared. And sharks can smell fear. As the years passed, my fear level slowly lowered until summertime, when I was guaranteed to here a shark attack story on the nightly news. Who cares if it was in Australia? That’s too close for comfort.

I still worry that I’m giving off scaredy-cat vibes when at the beach. But I get in the water anyway. I’ll even go snorkeling; I just make sure I’m close to the shore. Diving? Forget it. I realize there are tons of pretty things to be seen in the depths. However, I also realize that if I were to see a shark, I’d probably hyperventilate and cause enough commotion to draw the sharks right to my tasty legs. No thanks.

Fear. The word conjures up many different examples of things I’ve been, and remain, afraid of. One such situation is my persistent acrophobia. I can’t drive over a bridge without thinking about crashing into the guardrails and going over the edge. The fear is nearly paralyzing. Yet, I am obsessed with riding roller coasters, the taller and crazier, the better.

There are many times when I find myself seeking out those occasions that scare. Horror movies are my quickest fix, a sure thing. Documentaries on serial killers, cults, the apocalypse, and my favorite trio (witches, vampires, and zombies, of course) always are sure to please. If it involves the demise of humanity, I am morbidly interested.

And so I present to you, demented.com.